How do I deal with loneliness after a divorce? 

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I have some potentially controversial advice for dealing with loneliness after a divorce and that is don’t date right away. Divorce is traumatic and if you reach for someone to fill the void you will most likely end up with someone that is just like your ex. Think about the aspects of your ex you most like. Now think about the aspects you least like. Reflecting before you involve other people will help you make clearer decisions about dating. 

 

Don’t mistake loneliness for readiness to date. 

 

Dating involves a lot of strong emotional events, especially the first one after your divorce. Research and experience suggest being ready for the person is more important than filling a void in your life. Take your time, you have the rest of your life. 

 

Understand what loneliness actually represents. 

 

You may be missing companionship, routine, physical affection, having someone in the house, shared parenting, or simply the identity of being part of a couple. All of these feelings are valid, but that doesn’t mean every feeling requires immediate attention. 

 

Learn to tolerate being alone without immediately escaping it.

 

There is a potentially powerful distinction between being alone and being lonely. Take time to build your life so that you can live with or without dating someone else in your life. A relationship chosen to escape loneliness can create far more pain than the loneliness itself.

 

Examine what your former relationship can teach you.

 

What worked in your former relationships? What didn’t? What did you tolerate that you should not have? How did you contribute to the problems? Taking ownership of your part gives you the opportunity to change it. What would you do differently? I filled notebooks with ideas of what I would do differently. Every experience in life provides a lesson. It is up to you to learn it. What qualities matter most to you now? People change over time, what do you value today? 

 

Rebuild connection deliberately. 

 

Friends, family, groups, hobbies, volunteering, classes, community-based organizations are all ways to develop personal relationships. Thinking about calling an old friend? Press those buttons. I joined a yahoo group that focuses on music and dancing and I love it. Keep exploring your interests and make new friends along the way. 

Build a life you don’t need another relationship to rescue you from. 

 

Develop a love for the things you have always wanted to do. Part of recovering from divorce is discovering what makes your life meaningful when you no longer define yourself as part of a couple. Want to try dancing? Go for it, Want to learn woodworking? The internet is full of information to start any endeavor. Don’t let fear hold you back, try activities that frighten you a bit. You are building the life you deserve so be adventurous. 

 

Know when loneliness has become something more serious. 

 

Loneliness is a normal human emotion, especially after a divorce or other major life transition. Sometimes what begins as loneliness develops into something that deserves more attention. 

 

Major changes in sleeping or eating, difficulty concentrating or functioning, increased alcohol or drug use, persistent sadness or hopelessness, losing interest in activities that matter, withdrawing more from friends and family can be signs that it may be time to seek professional assistance. 

 

It may be difficult to distinguish isolation from restoration. Wanting an evening or weekend alone after an emotionally exhausting period can be healthy. Repeatedly avoiding people, abandoning meaningful connections, or feeling unable to reconnect even when you want to is much more concerning. 

 

Seek Professional help before a crisis. 

 

Don’t wait until things become unbearable. I did that. It is not worth it. If your distress is persistent, worsening or interfering, get help. There is no shame in reaching for help in one of the most traumatic situations. Thoughts about death, suicide, self-harm or believing others would be better off without you require immediate attention rather than another self-help strategy. Seek immediate professional help or emergency assistance. 

 

This article is intended for education and personal reflection and is not a substitute for diagnosis or treatment from a qualified mental health professional. 

 

Action steps

 

• Identify what you actually miss.

• Contact one person today. 

• Put one social activity on your calendar

• Do one thing that belongs entirely to your new life. 

• Write down what your former relationship taught you. 

• Check whether you need more support. 

 

Key Takeaway

 

Don’t simply fill the empty space your marriage left behind. Use that space to deliberately build the next part of your life. 

 

Additional resources

 

Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach

Find your people by Jennie Allen

 

Loneliness after divorce may be part of your story today, but it can also become a space where you can discover new connections, new possibilities, and a life that is truly your own. 

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