Who am I Now After My Divorce?

I struggle with this question all the time. Some days, I am a go-getter who writes, teaches, and looks forward to a bright future with my wonderful boys. Other days are not as good. Sometimes, just getting out of bed and doing anything feels like an accomplishment.

Fortunately, those difficult days are becoming fewer and farther between. For a long time, part of my identity was tied to being a husband and building a future with someone I loved. When the marriage ended, I did not just lose that relationship. I also lost the future I had imagined and part of how I understood myself. I did not marry until my late thirties as I just never met anyone that inspired me to ask. When I met my Ex it was like the sky opened and light shined down from above.

I became a husband over a very brief period of time. Believe me when I say even if I know I would have to suffer that heartache that came later I would still have married her. The time I spent as a husband started changing me for the better. It led directly to me becoming a father, which is still my most important role. Like many marriages it was good until it wasn’t. I will not get to dance at my 50th wedding anniversary and that is something divorce removed as an option in my life.

But divorce didn’t erase everything I was before it happened. The same is true for you. Divorce may have changed your relationships, responsibilities, daily routines, and plans for the future, but it did not erase your values, your strengths, your experiences, or your potential. You are still a whole person, even if you are not entirely sure who that person is right now.

I am still a father, a teacher, a writer, and someone who wants to make a positive difference in the world. I am also discovering new interests, developing new skills and reconsidering what I want from life.

Today, I see myself as a work in progress. I am not trying to become the person I was before my divorce. That person does not exist anymore and frankly I would not go back to being him if I could. I am learning to become the person I want to be next.

I do not have to know exactly who I am becoming to begin building the future I deserve and neither do you.

Exercise: The Three Versions of Me.

A simple exercise to help you recognize what remains, what has changed, and who you want to become.

Step 1: Who I Was.

Describe yourself before your divorce. Consider your roles, interests, values, dreams, and relationships.

Ask yourself: What part of that person do I still value?

Step 2: Who I Am.

Describe yourself today. Identify your strengths, responsibilities, challenges, and the qualities that have helped you through difficult times.

Ask yourself: What have I learned about myself?

Step 3: Who I Am Becoming.

Imagine the person you want to become. Thinking about the qualities you want to develop, the relationships you want to build, and the life you want to create.

Ask yourself: What is one small step I can take towards becoming that person?

Look for connections between all three versions. Which qualities have remained consistent? Which would you like to develop further?

You Discover Who You Are by Living

Use your time to reconnect with what matters most to you. You never have to return to the person you were before the marriage or the divorce. You have unlimited ability to change. Experiment with new possibilities. Try each new activity, skill or experience with the idea of what if I could not fail. You will meet new people, pursue interesting activities and take notice of what feels meaningful to you.

Recovery isn’t about returning to who you were before your marriage ended. It is about discovering that you have the freedom to become someone very different. Beware one of the common pitfalls in thinking unfinished is someone how inadequate. You can be a work in progress and still be worthy of happiness, love, and fulfillment today.

Divorce changed my life in ways I never expected. It took away a future I had imagined and forced me to reconsider who I was without the role of husband. It also reminded me that my identity is not limited to the roles I have held or the relationships I have lost.

I am still learning, growing, and discovering what comes next. Some days are easier than others, and I suspect that will be true for the rest of my life. I don’t have all the answers today, but that is the best part. My life is opening up to new possibilities. You don’t have to have all the answers to start building the life and future you deserve.

Key Takeaway

You are more than your marriage. Your marriage was part of your story, but it was never your entire identity.

Action List

Reconnect with your interests.
Identify your strengths
Take one step towards who you want to be.