How do I stop feeling like a failure after a divorce?

One of the first steps in changing how you feel and think about yourself is to separate what happened to you from who you are. Your past is just that past. You decide what lessons you learn from it and what you carry with you. Your marriage ended and that is an event in your life. It does not make you a failure even if you feel you are responsible for it. I was the one that filed for divorce because at the time I could not see any path forward that would not shame the person I was becoming. 

 

In Al-Anon, I learned about taking a personal inventory and listing in detail all of my faults. It is as bad as it sounds, while you are doing it. After I had my list that I shared with my sponsor I was able to start making amends for the parts that were actually my fault.  Your mistakes do not define you. What you choose to do after recognizing them helps define the person you are becoming.  

 

When examining the standards you are using to judge yourself are you being compassionate? Would you hold someone else to the same standard? To move past the feeling of failure, you need to distinguish between taking responsibility for what happened and condemning yourself because of it.

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Examine what you actually learned from the experience, and give yourself credit for surviving it. Negative self-talk drains your mental energy and your health making it harder to move forward. Your mind is listening to the story you repeatedly tell yourself, so make sure that the story leaves room for growth. 

 

Instead of trying to convince yourself that you are successful, start accumulating evidence: Are you exercising when you said you would? Improving your diet? Keeping your commitments? Handle a problem you would have previously left to your spouse.  Each time you do, you create another piece of evidence that you are capable. Small acts of competence gradually wear away the belief that you are a failure. 

 

Over time, these small victories allow you to redefine success for the life you are building now. 

Action Steps 

 

1. Question the standards you are using. 

2. Separate responsibility from self-condemnation. 

3. Identify what the experience taught you. 

4. Start accumulating evidence. 

 

Additional Resources

 

Mindset by Carol S. Dweck

The Courage to be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga

The Compound Effect by Darren Hardy