Woman riding a bicycle with headphone while moving forward after a divorce.

How Do I Stop Thinking About My Ex?

One of the first steps in stopping the repetitive thought cycle about your ex is to stop following them on social media. Remove the steady stream of reminders, updates, and opportunities to compare or speculate. It is time to shift your attention back to yourself and the life you are building.

You have to remove unnecessary reminders from your daily environment. You don’t have to throw away anything, but put the photos, messages, gifts, and other emotionally loaded objects away until you have had time to clear your head. These mementos may be important to you, your ex and even your children so don’t do anything rash. Put them away somewhere safe until you can decide what you want to keep with a clearer head.

Stop seeking information about them. Don’t ask friends about them, search their name, reread old messages, or check whether they are dating someone new. These behaviors keep the attachment active even if you have stopped following them directly. Give yourself the gift of peace first.

You have to interrupt any rumination you may be doing instead of arguing with it. When you notice yourself replaying the relationship, acknowledge the thoughts and deliberately redirect your attention towards something you can act on now. One pass through the past may offer something to learn from. The fiftieth does not.

Work on creating new routines where the relationship used to be. For me it was eating at the same restaurants we ate at as a couple. It was triggering to go into these alone, so I found a lot of new restaurants to enjoy. Events you shared, favorite TV shows, weekend plans, or habits may trigger memories. Eventually those memories may lose some of their emotional weight, but right now you need new experiences to replace patterns that are leaving you empty.

Give yourself a designated time to process the relationship and the changes in your life. Journaling was a great tool for me. I would write down anything and everything that came to my mind during writing time. It started slow and it has grown. The goal is not avoiding your feelings; it is containing them. I shared my journal entries with my sons and I burned the rest in my backyard fire pit. Some things are best kept secret.

Stop rehearsing imaginary conversations. I still have to work on this one. Mentally explaining yourself, winning an argument, getting that apology you really want, or imagining what you would say if they came back can feel productive, but it only keeps you emotionally engaged and drains energy you could use for healing.

Building your own social network is a much better use of your time. Reconnect with friends, and family you have not heard from in a while. Join new groups, develop new hobbies, and seek out and experience new social experiences even when staying home feels easier. Give your attention to something meaningful and remind yourself that your life is larger than one relationship.

Ask yourself the question: What are my goals now? Putting your energy into exercise, education, finances, travel, career, creative projects, or just rebuilding your home can shift your identity from the person who lost a relationship toward being the person who is rebuilding a new life. I was 240 lbs at one point, I have always been active, but I was abusing food to fill an emptiness inside me. I exercise regularly now, tracking my steps and activities and now I weigh around 180 lbs with few health issues. Imagine what you could do with the time and energy you spend thinking about the past if you begin investing in your future.

Accept that thoughts about your ex will still appear sometimes. I was married for 25 years, so trying desperately to not think about my ex would just make the thoughts stronger. When they come up, I ask myself what I am grateful for from the marriage. This helps me acknowledge the thought, let it pass, and return my attention to the life I am building now.

Action Steps

1. Remove the triggers you can control.

2. Interrupt the thought loop.

3. Replace the missing routines.

4. Create forward looking questions.

Key Take Aways

You may not be able to control when a thought about your ex appears, but you can control what you do with it.