How to Get Over a Divorce.

Divorce can leave you wondering if your best years are behind you. You may question every decision you made, every choice that led there, and whether life will ever feel normal again. If that’s where you are today you’re not alone.

I remember the feelings I had when my divorce was finalized. It felt like a void had opened inside me. Questions such as: Did I do the right thing? Could I have done more? Could I have avoided this? All ran through my mind at once.

Research shows divorce is one of life’s most stressful experiences, ranking alongside the death of a loved one on many stress scales.

Accept the marriage has ended.

Divorce is a traumatic experience and it takes time to recover from it. The very first thing you have to do is accept that it happened. You have to grieve the loss not just of the marriage, but of all the future possibilities that marriage promised. Once I accepted the loss, I had to begin rebuilding my life.

Priorities reduce overwhelm.

I knew I had to make changes, but I really did not know what I should work on first. I started where many people start, I made a to do list. It grew out of control and it did not help me with the question: what should I be doing now?

I quickly realized that not everything deserved that same amount of my time and energy. My emotions wanted me to fix everything at once, but that was not possible. So I created a simple priority list. Whenever I wasn’t sure what to do next, I looked at my list and asked, “What should I be doing for the next hour?

My list wasn’t meant to rank people by importance. It was meant to help me make decisions when I felt overwhelmed. My sons came first because they needed stability. Taking care of myself came next because I couldn’t support anyone else if I was not functioning well. I made a conscious decision to treat my ex-wife with respect because she would always be the mother of my children.

Today, whenever I start to feel overwhelmed, I come back to one simple question: "What should I be doing for the next hour?” That question has helped me focus on what matters instead of everything that feels urgent.

Give yourself permission to grieve.

It can be overwhelming and it is ok to feel a staggering array of emotions. They are all valid even if sometimes you try and talk yourself out of feeling them.

Rediscover who you want to become.

For me the loss of identity was by far the worst part. I had defined myself by my marriage, my career and my sons, so suddenly getting knocked back on my heels was an eye-opener. I started with simple steps. I journaled, I asked myself the question, “Who do I want to be? I keep coming back to this question even now and then make tiny changes in my life.

When a marriage ends, it isn't just the relationship that changes. It can feel like your identity disappears with it. I eventually realized I wasn’t trying to become the person I used to be. I was slowly building someone new.

Rebuild one habit at a time.

I had gained a lot of weight during the years I was married and had a lot of related health issues so for me changing my health habits was a priority. I started reading about nutrition and walking more particularly at the park. I picked the furthest parking spot at work and got in as many steps as possible.

Protect what matters most.

Keeping my sons in the most stable environment possible was also a priority. In this case, I was very fortunate as my ex wanted that too. We spent a lot of time working together on our parenting agreement.

I consider that document to be our most important agreement.

Build a new support network.

My next tiny change was social. It became very clear almost immediately who was my friend and who was just an acquaintance. I felt I needed a stronger social network so I joined a local support group and a yahoo group that focused on dancing. I have always loved to dance and I had been doing less and less of it in recent years.

The meetings are helpful and the dancing is still amazing. You are going to have to build your tribe focusing on a combination of things you love and things you want to try. You can do it!

Getting over your divorce is a process and you are in charge of it. Recovery doesn't happen all at once. It happens one decision at a time. One healthy habit. One difficult conversation. One small act of courage. One day you’ll realize you’re no longer trying to get your old life back- you’ve built one that’s even better.

Six things you can do today.

Forgive yourself.
Pick a physical activity that you like to do. Walking is not the best way to build muscle but I love doing it so it was easy to introduce a new habit.
Write down your answer to the question: Who do I want to be?
Make your priority list.
Pick three tiny changes you can easily do that support your new goal, success is important so start small.
Reward yourself when you are successful. Small rewards are better and make sure the reward does not work against you.

Final Thoughts.

Remember you are just starting out on a journey to make a brand new you and go for the life you truly deserve.

Key Takeaways

Recovery is a process
Tiny habits create lasting change.
Identity can be rebuilt.